Losability: Your Cheap and Available NBA Preview

JaVale McGee is now on the Warriors. This brings me joy …

THE LOSE has been counting down the days until the NBA season gets going. No, seriously. I have been. Every time the Giants bullpen blew a save in September, I would tweet out how many days it was until the Warriors season opener. Suffice to say, I put this out in cyberspace a lot, and most of my followers probably hate me now – except for the Dodgers fans, who think it’s hysterical, but the Dodgers are trash and so I don’t really care what they think.

OK, focus here Lose … basketball!

It’s time for one of the more fascinating seasons in the league’s history to commence. The casual fan might think that it’s not particularly fascinating, seeing how, on paper at least, there is Cleveland and there is Golden State and there is everyone else. Aha, but it’s all of that “everything else” which interests The Lose, of course, because this is a blog where we like to chronicle and pontificate upon that which is done badly. And given the muddled middle class the league at the moment, and given the truly horrid franchises the league continues to drag behind them like tin cans tied to the bumper, and given the bizarre ways that the NBA conducts its business, this NBA will almost certainly give me plenty to write about.

And in a year where it seems so clear-cut from the get-go – the Cavs and the Dubs are enormous favorites to win their conferences and meet in the NBA Finals for the third straight year – the question then becomes how the other 28 teams prepare for what could, in theory, be a lost season. Do you tank? Do you go young? Do you look for a chink in the armor of the big guns and then try to make a move at the deadline which could possibly give you a shot in the playoffs? Do you simply lower your expectations?

And remember here, nothing is preordained. Nothing is set in stone. There hasn’t been more of a stone-cold lock to win a title, going into the playoffs, than the Golden State Warriors were a year ago, but then Steph Curry slips and falls in a pool of Donatas Motiejunas ass sweat in Houston and injures his knee, and the dynamic of the entire NBA playoffs suddenly changes. While the NBA is the most predictable of major sports in terms of which teams are going to dominate, having so few players involved in the game also means that you’re only a few injuries away from being in the dumpster.

I give you my Losability preview of the 2016-2017 NBA season, with teams ranked in my customary order, which is from the least likely to the most likely that they’re going to wind up being written about on this blog during the course of the season – for reasons good, bad, or otherwise. There are basically three reviews you can write in the critic biz – “it sucks” “it rocks” and “it’s boring” – and the worst of all is the third of those. Be brilliant or be terrible, but whatever you do, don’t be boring.  Those teams which are gravitating towards the bottom of this list fall in the third category – but sometimes for good reasons, of course, since a stabile and consistent franchise free of drama can make for a successful season even if it doesn’t make for very good copy.

The NBA season starts on Tuesday night. Here are my Losability rankings from worst to first with reasons why. Do the things listed here, and some hack with a laptop in the Bay Area is going to feel free to take shots at you:

30. Washington Buzzards Wizards: because really, who cares?

29. Denver Nuggets: because I don’t know anything about this team at all, and they are arguably the most uninteresting franchise in all of sports.

28. Charlotte Hornets: because they are a solid and steady team that will plod along and will probably have a decent season, all of which is good, but they aren’t terribly interesting.

27. Milwaukee Bucks: because in spite of running out Greek Freak at the point, an idea which I love, whatever hopes this team had of being good pretty much died when Khris Middleton got hurt, and I simply can’t subject myself to watching a team who can’t shoot go about not shooting on a nightly basis.

26. Toronto Raptors: because this team should probably be higher on this list, since weird stuff happens in the playoffs that’s worth commenting on, and at that point in the season I’ll probably wonder if they’re ever going to try and run an actual play on offense, but until then they are going to plod along and win 50-55 games and wind up being the second or third seed in the East so carry on.

25. Detroit Pistons: because at some point this year, I’m going to be subjected to watching Andre Drummond get hack-a-shaqed and shoot 25 goddamn free throws in a game, at which point I’ll go on a frothing rant about the NBA needs to fix this stupid quirk in the rules.

24. Orlando Magic: because when your season will be declared a success if one of your guys wins the slam dunk contest during the All-Star break, there isn’t a whole lot to get excited about.

23. Dallas Mavericks: because this savvy, veteran team and its savvy, veteran coach are capable of just about achievement, good or bad, without it really surprising me – be it through playing great team ball and becoming a playoff team or be it through turning into a MASH unit and winding up in the lottery; because Dirk has to age out at some point; because at some point Mark Cuban is going to realize he spent $94,000,000 on Harrison Barnes and have his worst case of buyer’s remorse since The Benefactor.

22. Utah Jazz: because this is another team which is going to be steady and carry on, and appears ready to take the next step, but they won’t be all that exciting going about it; because should my belief that the Jazz will wind up in a 4/5 matchup with the Rockets in the first round of the playoffs come to fruition (which also thus puts them in line to play Golden State in the second round), then they become really interesting to me, so talk to me in April.

21. Indiana Pacers: because someone should explain to me how Larry Bird can say he wants this to be an “up tempo” team while hiring Nate McMillan to be coach, since Nate’s teams in Portland and Seattle played at some of the slowest paces in the league.

20. San Antonio Spurs: because they probably would’ve been about 31st on this list until I started hearing all of these rumblings about possibly trading LaMarcus Aldridge, which would be dumb; because this team will be good-to-great, like they always are, and be ruthlessly efficient in their systematically suffocating bad teams into submission, which makes for turning off the games early and going and doing something else; because they looked old and slow by the end of last season, and the problem is that old and slow guys don’t get any younger nor any quicker.

19. Portland Trail Blazers: because these guys were a helluva lot of fun last year, and I appreciate their general conceit that the best way to defend the opposition is just to outscore them; because Evan Turner and Festus Ezeli? Really?; because they wildly overachieved last season, which is awesome, but they were also extremely fortunate last year in terms of health; because this season might be a case where they are a better team but it doesn’t necessarily translate into victories.

18. Memphis Grizzlies: because “Grit & Grind,” which is the identity of this franchise, seems pretty stale; because this was a great starting lineup in about 2013; because they used 28 players last year, and most of their best players are likely to wind up on the injured list again; because if they stay healthy, they still have Marc Gasol and Randolph and Conley and they could do some stuff, but probably not that much.

17. New Orleans Pelicans: because no team in the league is more dependent upon one guy; because that one guy, Anthony Davis, is always injured; because they replaced a bunch of dudes who could shoot but couldn’t defend with a bunch of other dudes who, quite honestly, I’m not sure what they do or what value they bring; because at some point, I should probably write about the fact that, as much as I love me some Pels, my trip to Milk Shake Arena last January convinced me that this is the least viable NBA franchise and I wonder, at what point in the future, they start looking to greener pastures.

16. Minnesota Timberwolves: because I love me some KAT and would take him on my team in less than a second; because Coach Thibs has got a tough job ahead of him here, insofar as he has a ridiculous collection of young talent with no real experience and he’s going to have to manage expectations, since you could make a case for them winning anywhere from 35-50 games that’s valid and the natural tendency is to verge towards being wildly optimistic and hopeful when you haven’t won a damn thing in over a decade; because one way or another, they should be fun as hell.

15. Atlanta Hawks: because it seems like 100 years ago that this team was the #1 seed in the East; because I remember when Dwight Howard was in the NBA; because replacing Teague and Horford in your lineup with Schröder and Howard makes me go “hmm;” because the basketball gods have a cruel sense of humor and I can totally see this team winding up in the 4/5 matchup in the East playoffs, winning it and earning a chance to yet again be embarrassed off the court by the Cavaliers.

14. Miami Heat: because the luster of the Pat Riley era in Miami has been tarnished somewhat now that LeBron and D-Wade are gone, and Chris Bosh is soon likely to be gone, and none of them have a whole lot good to say about it; because we’ll see just how great a free agency destination this really is now that you have a bad roster and you’ve turned over the keys to the franchise to Hassan Whiteside; because all the talk is about the future of the franchise, since in the present, this team could be dreadful.

13. Brooklyn Nets: because Linsanity!; because name me one other player on this team; because name me one guy on this team anyone would want; because maybe they can final get through the Five Stages of Grief about all of the draft picks they’ve given away to the Celtics, because the picks aren’t coming back and they need to just get over it; because unlike in many seasons, when teams are really bad because they’re tanking to try and get the #1 pick, the Nets will actually be trying and still be really bad.

12. Los Angeles Lakers: because I suspect this team will put the fun in dysfunctional, what with all of the strange goings-on behind the scenes involving the Buss family fighting over the ownership and the possibility of a triumphant return of the Zen Master in the future; because getting rid of Byron Scott and the blowhard bombast of Kobe is addition by subtraction; because in Luke Walton’s first season on the bench, the on-court product is going to be bad, but everyone knows it and no one seems too bothered by it, so long as Russell and Ingram show some improvement; because this team just might tank at the end of the year to try and protect their draft pick, but that’s to be determined.

11. Phoenix Suns: because I like some of the pieces here, particularly Devin Booker, but I have no idea how many puzzles they go to; because the combination of promising young talent that doesn’t fit, and seasoned vets who don’t fit, should make them an interesting player come trade deadline time; because I have no idea what the hell they are going to do on the court, but I doubt much defense will be involved, and I also doubt many Suns wins will be involved; because so long as your team is owned by Robert Sarver, you’re liable to do something stupid as an organization which will end up in this blog.

10. Cleveland Cavaliers: because the Cavs somehow find a way to invent drama in their organization, even when they are on their way to a championship; because they may as well take most of the regular season off, since it doesn’t matter what their seed is going into the playoffs, and their biggest problem this season is going to be with managing the boredom, which leads me to a fascinating team which could possibly benefit from the Cavs’ general state of inertia and ennui and sneak up on them in the standings …

9. Boston Celtics: because at some point, having 84,000 draft pricks stockpiled has to actually translate into some good players; because it’s likely to happen this coming summer (Thanks Nets!); because I love me some Al Horford on this team, and I think they’re going to be a pain in the ass to play against; because someone make a damn shot!; because if the Cavs take a lot of the season off, which they might, and the Celtics put it all together, which they might, and maybe the Celtics are able to use some of those 84,000 draft picks and finally swing a deal at the trade deadline, then … wait, no, the Celtics can’t challenge the Cavaliers in the East, can they?

8. Houston Rockets: because wow, the offense is going to be amazing; because wow, the defense is going to be awful; because in Mike D’Antoni’s system, I expect James Harden to put up MVP numbers; because I think this team will win a lot of games this season, particularly at home, simply because they’ll be impossible for teams to prepare for on short notice; because conversely, I think the Warriors might put up 150 on this team, and the Clippers might put up 140 on this team, and it will be wildly entertaining; because unlike last season, they don’t seem to hate each other – yet.

7. Los Angeles Clippers: because having both Chris Paul and Blake Griffin in their contract year could either be a really good thing or a really bad thing; because their first four – those two guys + DeAndre Jordan and J.J. Redick – is good enough to beat 28 of the 29 other teams in this league all by themselves; because there are 300,000,000 people in this country but for some fuck knows why reason the Clippers can’t find one of them capable of playing the three; because as much as I like Doc as a coach, I hate him as a GM, and when the most successful thing you did in the offseason is give your son a larger allowance, it doesn’t impress me; because reaching the Western Conference finals, which I believe is the Clippers’ ceiling, will feel like both a success and a failure, which would be a uniquely Clippers sort of accomplishment.

6. New York Knicks: because one way or another, this team will force its way into the headlines; because whatever upside this team has after adding Noah and Rose in terms of their ability, the downside that comes from adding two guys who are perpetually injured is far, far greater; because the sooner they realize this is now Porzingis’ team, the better off they will be, but that ain’t gonna happen so long as Carmelo Anthony is there; because why is Kurt Rambis?; because I’ll be curious to see how Jeff Hornacek works under Phil Jackson, seeing as how he managed to nearly get the Suns into the playoffs a couple years ago with not-very-good talent; in that same vain, because I wonder if Hornacek will dare to junk the sacred Triangle offense – and if he does so, if it means that Phil is soon to be headed out the door.

5. Philadelphia 76ers: because it’s Year 1 of the post-zombie apocalypse era in Philly now that Sam Hinkie is no longer in charge of this franchise, and now that the ponzi scheme that was ‘The Process’ has collapsed, the roster Hinkie left behind is one helluva mess; because already Ben Simmons has broken his foot and Nerlens Noel is having “minor” knee surgery (of which there is no such thing), which sucks but also sort of solves, in the short term, the dilemma of how you possibly find enough minutes and enough space on the floor for Simmons and Noel and Okafor and Embiid and also Dario Šarić; because Embiid has looked great in short bursts in the pre-season, but is his conditioning anywhere close to being good enough to get through a whole season after being out for more than two years?; because at some point, the 76ers have to make some deals, since all of those big guys cannot possibly coexist, and it’s those deals which ultimately will determine where this team is going.

4. Chicago Bulls: because my God, this has to be most mismatched collection of talent that I’ve seen since those Mike D’Antoni Lakers teams; because you’ve added Rondo, who can’t shoot, and Wade, who can’t shoot, and also Michael Carter-Williams, who can’t shoot, and that right there are three of the bottom 10 in 3-pt FG% among active players with over 400 attempted treys, and all of them need the ball, and so does Jimmy Butler; because with all of the talk about Fred Hoiberg being “a college coach,” he now has essentially a college-type roster with a bunch of dudes who can’t throw it in the ocean; because it seems like Hoiberg is being set up to fail, which is weird, since it’s the guys who hired him who also assembled this roster.

3. Oklahoma City Thunder: because for fucksake, NBA media, stop it with this bullshit “boo hoo OKC got screwed” narrative that’s been cropping up all summer; and also because, for that matter, stop making it seem like Russell Westbrook did something other than simply maximizing his value when he signed that contract extension this summer, which is what he should do and which ultimately doesn’t have anything to do with the Thunder; because christ the media following this team are a bunch of babies; because when you see Westbrook’s usage rate this year, it will become crystal clear why Durant didn’t want to play with this dude in his contract year; because prognostications about this being a 50-win team and such are entirely based upon wishful thinking, since a lot of people don’t like the way that Durant bailed on them and want to pretend that they can still be good without him; because I don’t think they’ll be very good without him and I don’t really like this roster minus KD and Ibaka, even though I do love me some Steven Adams.

2. Sacramento Kings: because welcome to hell; because where do begin?; because oh yeah, we should probably begin with the fact that the owner comes off as a condescending twerp who is full of shit, and it doesn’t matter how tricked out your new building is, so long as you have a guy like that at the helm of the organization, your team is never never ever going to be any good; because I can’t understand why, after putting up with the constant ownership squabble going on behind the scenes in Memphis, Dave Joerger decided to commit career suicide by taking this coaching job; because not only is the present dire, but years of wasted draft picks combined with upcoming draft picks lost in bad trades make the future look even worse; because I suspect that they’ll be stubborn instead of being prudent, and won’t make inroads into trading Boogie Cousins when they really should do so, because they live in denial in Sacramento and they think they’ll somehow be able to convince him to re-sign and not leave when his contract expires.

1. Golden State Warriors: because, quite simply, this team is going to be great – but we won’t know just how great until the springtime.