So we're going to keep this brief. Really brief.
Welcome to the IN PLAY LOSE 3-sentence World Cup preview, in which I will say everything that needs to be said about each team in the tourney in no more than three sentences, while also giving my predictions for what promises to be a helluva tourney – and, I suspect, an unpredictable one. A recent spate of injuries among some of the world's elite players have robbed the event of some of its star power, and also put the fortunes of their teams in doubt. In a few cases, I suspect those injuries may be impossible to overcome. Brazil was already going to provide a challenge in terms of climate. Manaus has certainly drawn most of the attention on that front, given that its in the middle of the Amazon, but Cuiaba ain't exactly a picnic, and any city nearish the equator is going to create climate issues which a good number of teams – particularly the Europeans, but not exclusively such – have never experienced. The Lose suspects this will translate to more goals in 2014 than in previous World Cups, since the defences will be lagging in the heat and humidity and substitutes off the bench have the potential to be even more effective. Jürgen Klinsmann was thinking ahead on that front – his selections of DeAndre Yedlin and Julian Green to the U.S. team are purely about having late game speed on the wings available off his bench. Late game speed is going to kill in this tournament.
And now, since I'm tired and cranky, here is my rundown of 32 teams along with their WTL factors. WTL stands for 'Why the Lose,' as in reasons why The LOSE should consider writing about this team over the course of the next month. On with the opera! Oh, wait, this is Brazil ... on with the samba!
THANK YOU FOR PLAYING
32. Australia
WTL: because this is a blog about losing; because the Aussies are going to lose a lot; because given how important goal difference might be in Group B, the Aussies are also likely to lose quite badly.
31. Iran
WTL: because this is the team most likely to fire everyone before the tournament is even over; because it is not really a surprise that the most talented team in Asia underperforms, given the prevalence of meddlesome domestic politics in the sport, which is not really a surprise since this is Iran we are talking about, which is the most politicized society on earth; because for all the talk of the U.S. as the Great Satan, it hasn’t stopped the Iranians from employing an American as one of their defenders, thus proving once again that football can be extremely pragmatic.
30. Cameroon
WTL: because dumb stuff like this always seems to happen with this team; because when dumb stuff like that isn't happening to Team Dysfunctional (which, for African football, is saying something), silly stuff like this is happening; because while they have some good talent, everyone else in Group A has more, which is why they are likely to finish last.
29. Honduras
WTL: because I love me some H and love the attitude they bring to the event; because attitude only gets you so far; because I want the H to do well, but ... uh, no
28. Algeria
WTL: because I've wanted the best for this team ever since I first started watching the World Cup in 1982, when Algeria got hosed so bad that FIFA forever changed the format of its tournaments; because this is a crafty and savvy team which competes hard and usually punches about its weight in big events; because they are nonetheless a bit overmatched in their group and lacking the offensive skills to win, but they will show themselves well.
27. Greece
WTL: because this is the most boring team in the world; because watching their games is like biting a rock; because they have never won a World Cup match, and aren't likely to do so in this tourney, either.
26. South Korea
WTL: because this is the 2nd likeliest team to fire everyone before the tournament is over; because their best performance in the World Cup, in 2002, turned out to be fodder for skeptics and conspiracy theorists alike, and makes it difficult to have much sympathy for this team; because they generally play some fun, up-tempo football which is good to watch but will likely also lead to giving up lots of goals to Belgium and Russia.
25. Costa Rica
WTL: because the Ticos are disrespected worldwide entirely on the basis of the size of the country, and not the quality of their play; because the Ticos have shown an ability to play well on the world's biggest stage and overachieve in the past; because people will be shocked, when they should not be, if/when the Ticos take 1 point/3 points from the team at #24 ...
24. England
WTL: because it is impossible for England ever to do well enough in the World Cup to satisfy its fan and silence its football paparazzi – if England won the World Cup and finished #1, Fleet St. would complain that the English hadn't yet achieved #0 yet; because the overzealous press and unrealistic fans make this team so easy to mock; because the fact is that there isn't a single player on this team that, were I to start a club, I would want, and it wouldn't surprise me at all if they finished last in Group D.
LOVELY PARTING GIFTS
23. Mexico
WTL: because there appeared to be some progress made with new head coach Miguel Herrera; because those injuries suffered in that display of carnage with Ecuador a few weeks ago makes you wonder why teams are playing friendlies at all, and if they even know what the word friendly means; because as much as I like trolling El Tri, big picture wise it is good for CONCACAF teams to do well in the World Cup, but I suspect El Tri is going to find it difficult to advance, although it wouldn't surprise me.
22. Japan
WTL: because Honda is the most likely player to score on a free kick that is absolutely sick; because the Japanese have got some outstanding technicians, like Honda, whom you best not give chances to beat you; because this team looked rather slow and unathletic last summer during the Confederations Cup, which is going to be their undoing in a tourney in which, I suspect, athleticism is going to be key.
21. Switzerland
WTL: because no team is going to face more international Schadenfreude than this one, given that they 'earned' a #1 seed in the draw for reasons which defy all common sense; because unlike in the past, when the Swiss were content to plod along and keep it close, the Swiss actually have some offensive talent; because this team will only go as far as Xherdan Shaqiri takes them, which isn't going to be that far.
20. Nigeria
WTL: because the Super Eagles game with Bosnia is the game in the World Cup most likely to end 5-3; because the Super Eagles are capable of doing something brilliant, something confounding, and something disastrous, all within the span of about 10 minutes; because I would much rather be pleasantly surprised in the unlikely event that they overachieve than pick them to succeed and wind up disappointed.
19. Chile
WTL: because the Chileans have probably the most grounds for griping about the draw of any team outside Group G; because having said that, they are entirely capable of springing a couple of upsets – and I do mean a couple of upsets; because I'm afraid they are going to be the odd men out, which sucks.
SO, ABOUT THAT GROUP G ...
16-17-18. Ghana/Portugal/United States, pick any order
WTL: because I honestly have no idea how this group is going to end, and thinking about it off and on for 6 months hasn't changed the fact that I cannot make up my mind; because I think Klinsmann has circled the Portugal game and marked it as the game the U.S. can win, which I agree with because Ronaldo is hurting and, without Ronaldo, Portugal sure looks average; because damn that Ghana team is good and deserved better than this, and really everyone in this group is good and it wouldn't surprise me if any of them advance from what is the toughest group in the history of the World Cup, and pox on FIFA for inventing a pod system which allowed such a group to happen in the first place, and at this moment in time I think the nod for the 2nd spot may go to Ghana but ask me again in about 10 minutes and I am likely to change my mind.
ONTO THE 2ND ROUND!
15. Croatia
WTL: because this team cannot possibly play this bad for much longer; because they are likely to benefit from the assortment of injuries befalling the Mexicans; because being #15 on this list means I cannot get all that excited about them.
14. Ecuador
WTL: because Group E is a terrible group and gives them the opportunity to advance; because the injury to Ribery knocks France back and gives them even more of a chance to be a surprise team; because I've got to be honest, I don't know that much about this team other than they win all of their games at the 9,000 altitude of Quito, but that ain't gonna help them much in Brazil.
13. Russia
WTL: because the Russians always underachieve, and usually play spotty defense; because I will likely go off into a tangent at some point about the World Cup in 2018, which is really what the Russians should be shooting for except that they tend to have a hard time getting organized at all, which continues to be their undoing; because there are some snipers on this team which make them potentially dangerous, but Roman Shirokov was the guy who was gonna get those snipers the ball, and now he is hurt.
12. Bosnia i Herzegovina
WTL: because this team is likely to bring the most joy and delight to this tournament, given that it's their 1st appearance in the World Cup and given their fun-and-gun offensive style; because, seriously, you should read this article to understand what sort of burden this team carries; because they don't have much depth and don't play
11. Colombia
WTL: because I LOVE COFFEE!; because I would like to see for myself how this team got to be worthy of a #1 seed; because the loss of Falcao is huge, but the Colombians should still be able to advance.
10. Côte d’Ivoire
WTL: because this is probably the last go around for Drogba and a generation of great players, who have carried far more than just the sporting hopes of their impoverished, war-torn nation with them and handled it with class (even if the relationship with their homeland has been a bit murky at times); because on the pitch the Elephants are really good, and have been for a while; because for once they did not get a terrible draw.
9. Netherlands
WTL: because, clearly, whomever set up the draw didn't read the script; because there is still some star power up front with Robben, van Persie and Sneijder, but the Oranje has gone awfully groen on the back end and are missing some key players with injuries; because the Dutch never go quietly, having been eliminated five times since 1974 by the eventual World Cup champion, and finishing second in Group B would mean a matchup in the 16s with Brazil ... hmm ...
YOUR QUARTERFINALISTS
8. France
WTL: because even with Ribery's injury, the French should be able to waltz through Group E; because of Ribery's injury, getting as far as they could've gone is likely to be impossible; because I've been rooting for the French since the greatest, most heartbreaking soccer game I have ever seen.
7. Uruguay
WTL: because after finishing 4th in South Africa and after winning the last South American championship, they promptly finished 5th in qualifying and barely made the field, but they did the same thing four years ago and it turned out OK, which leads me to wonder if there is some method to the madness; because this team has a fascinating balancing act up front, between the selfless play of Cavani, the sanity of Forlan, and Luis Suarez, who is out of his mind; because when you have those three guys to build around, you're in a pretty good spot.
6. Argentina
WTL: because they have Messi; because aside from Messi, this team is absolutely stacked; because it doesn't really matter how much talent this team stacks up, they always seem to find a way to mess it up.
5. Spain
WTL: because is it just me or is this team losing a step due to age, and what does it say about the state of Spanish soccer that the two bastions of the sport and chief suppliers of national talent – Réal and Barca – got pipped this year by Atletico, a collection of loaners, cast-offs, spare parts and mutts; because this team absolutely, positively has to beat the Dutch in their first game or they're doomed, but this team always seems to win those types of games; because this has been arguably the greatest team in history, but all good things must come to an end.
YOUR SEMIFINALISTS
4. Germany
WTL: because this is still fundamentally a game played by two teams of 11 players in which the Germans always win; because, for as likable as this 'new' German team is, they still haven't won anything of relevance; because whomever wins Group G has a pretty easy road map to follow after that, and the Germans are far more likely to be challenged just to get out of the group than they are in the 16s or the 8s.
3. Italy
WTL: because if you combine the tactical acumen with some youth and creativity, you get a badass team which would be the favourite to win the World Cup were it being held in any other country; because Pirlo has the ball on a string and Balotelli is a game changing forward like Italy has never had before; because the biggest enemy of this team may be the weather (particularly in Manaus v. England) which may ultimately be this team's undoing.
YOUR (SURPRISE) FINALIST
2. Belgium
WTL: because The LOSE thought it was a good idea to go with a reach, since this World Cup is likely not to make sense, and nothing makes less sense in the world than the country of Belgium; because somewhat remarkably a team has come to exist that, player-for-player, is more talented than any other team in the tourney – so much so that they can lose their starting striker to an injury and quite possibly be even better because of it; because teams with this much talent and this little experience either shine brightly or go supernova, and I’m inclined to think it’s the former since, along with all that talent, this team also has a we-don’t-give-a-fuck-who-you-are-we-are-coming-to-stomp-on-your-face attitude, the sort of mindset necessary but sorely lacking over the years when it has come to taking on the team the Belgians will meet in the final ...
YOUR CHAMPION
1. Brazil
WTL: because few teams in the world possess both the talent and the mindset necessary to defeat them – two of whom, the Dutch and the French (both of whom have given Brazil fits in the World Cup) are weakened, and one of whom, the Italians, aren't likely to show up on this side of the bracket; because unless you're an Argentine, it's pretty much agreed that Brazil winning the World Cup is not a bad thing; because even though the pressure to win on home soil is immense, and even though I look at this lineup and wonder where the true Brazilian flair is, and am skeptical of the XXIII that have been selected, I have a hard time seeing them lose.
Do not take this to the bank under any circumstance – but if I'm right and you didn't take it to the bank, then I'm going to laugh at you.
