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| Non-Pelican Nikola Mirotić drives on not future teammate Boogie Cousins |
THE PHONE rings at Chicago Bulls headquarters on Tuesday morning ...
Chicago: Bulls here.
New Orleans: Pelicans here.
Chicago: Whassup Pels?
New Orleans: Well, things sort of suck here at the moment, to be honest.
Chicago: Yeah, I saw the game last Friday. Sorry about the Boogie injury, man. That was a tough one.
New Orleans: I know it. We were playing some really good ball too. Great ball. We’d won 7 of 8 and we had our sights on those dipshits from OKC. We were a ½-game behind them in the standings.
Chicago: Ah, yeah, those OKC dipshits. [laughs nervously.]
New Orleans: What did you give up for Cam Payne again?
Chicago: Let’s not talk about that, okay?
New Orleans: Fair enough. Live and learn, buddy. Live and learn.
Chicago: So why are you calling, Pels? You only call me up when you have some stiff that you want to get rid of.
New Orleans: No stiffs today. I have a great proposal for you.
Chicago: Go on …
New Orleans: What do you think of Omer Asik?
Chicago: I think you just said ‘no stiffs today’ a moment ago …
New Orleans: We’re looking to move him.
Chicago: Alert the media.
New Orleans: He could seriously help your team.
Chicago: And how, exactly, would he do that?
New Orleans: He’s tall, and he looks great sitting on the bench.
Chicago: I’m hanging up the phone now …
New Orleans: No, wait. We’d throw in a 1st as well. We gotta get him outta here. He’s dead salary. He’s dead weight. Good looking dead weight on the bench, mind you.
Chicago: He is a handsome man, I’ll give you that.
New Orleans: But we’d like to move on from him.
Chicago: Yeah, I saw him out there trying to guard DeAndre Jordan from the Clippers the other night, and playing alongside AD. That ended badly.
New Orleans: We would like to move Asik.
Chicago: And why, exactly, would you like to move him to Chicago?
New Orleans: We thought he’d be a good fit for you.
Chicago: Don’t bullshit me, Birds.
New Orleans: Oh, okay, fine. [deep sigh.] Look, we’re trying to make the playoffs this year. We have to make the playoffs. We’re drowning in red ink, we’ve got 10,000 empty seats every game at Milk Shake Arena, AD is getting antsy, we’ve got vultures from Boston and Golden State circling around us looking to pick AD from our rotting corpse. We need to win. But we’re stuck, because some of the moves that we’ve made didn’t turn out the way that we hoped.
Chicago: Don’t even try to dump Ajinça on me.
New Orleans: No no no, hear me out Bulls. We’ve got to clear some space here, and you’ve been a good friend to us in the past.
Chicago: By ‘good friend,’ you mean we took Quincy Pondexter off your hands?
New Orleans: Exactly. So we need to make some kind of a move here. We’re inflexible, we’re capped out, but we have to make the playoffs. Ownership demands it, or I’m out on the streets and likely assistant GM’ing for the Maine Red Claws in the D-League or some shit.
Chicago: That’s the G-League now.
New Orleans: Whatever.
Chicago: Well jeez, Birds, it sounds like y’all have got yourselves in a hell of a mess.
New Orleans: Nice mock Southern drawl there.
Chicago: Thank you, I try. So tell me Pels, what is it that you are looking for?
New Orleans: Where are you at in your rebuild?
Chicago: We’re in a good place. We started 3-20, mostly because our two best players got in a fight in practice and Bobby Portis broke Nikola Mirotić’s face, but once Mirotić came back, it started to come together for us. We won quite a lot of games there for a spell, and doing so brought back the warm and fuzzies to the Windy City for a few weeks.
New Orleans: Yeah, I saw that you were playing well.
Chicago: We have some nice pieces. Markkanen is beast.
New Orleans: How do you say ‘beast’ in Finnish?
Chicago: Peto. I looked it up on the internet. He’s a beast and we’ve got LeVine coming back from the ACL, which was a steal for us – suck it Thibs! – and Dunn was playing really well for us until he broke his face against Golden State.
New Orleans: What is it with your guys breaking faces? Stop doing that.
Chicago: I know it. To be honest, that run of good play probably bought us enough cred here locally that we can go on being terrible and angling for the first pick in the draft without getting so much heat that Fred and I lose our jobs.
New Orleans: So you’re looking to tank?
Chicago: There is no tanking in the NBA.
New Orleans: Of course not. But I heard a rumor that Mirotić might be available.
Chicago: Who told you that?
New Orleans: Literally every single beat writer who covers the NBA.
Chicago: Well, let’s put it this way … we like our young core, and we don’t see Mirotić in our future plans.
New Orleans: So you are tanking, then.
Chicago: Well, yeah. And we’ve been winning far too many games since Mirotić came back. He’s playing like we always thought he would play. He’s having a career year for us and costing us odds in the lottery next summer. If we’d had Mirotić all season, I think there was a chance we’d get the 8 seed. Him coming on 23 games in though? No chance.
New Orleans: Mirotić has been great for you guys this season … hold on here … [pulls up basketball-reference.com] 17 points a game, 43% from three, effective field goal percentage of 59% …
Chicago: Now I know you’re trying to dick me, since you’re pulling up all of those nerd wimp advanced stats.
New Orleans: The guy’s rippin’ for you guys!
Chicago: Yeah, he’s played well.
New Orleans: Can we get Mirotić from you in this deal? He’d pair great with AD. He and AD could run some sick two-man post shit. And we need shooting on the wings. He’d fit in nicely with J’Rue and with Darius Miller and E’Twan Moore. We’ve got lots of shooting that way.
Chicago: And Rondo?
New Orleans: Grrr …
Chicago: How’s Rondo working out for you? [Giggles.]
New Orleans: How’s Cam Payne working out for you?
Chicago: Touché.
New Orleans: So what do you say? Sound like a good deal?
Chicago: Mirotić for Asik? This sounds like a horrible deal. That sounds like one of the worst deals ever. You get a skilled stretch four and we get a piece of furniture. How much do you owe Asik, anyway?
New Orleans: Only about $11 million for next year, and then he has a $3 million buyout after that. Mirotić is only about $12.5 million, so the money basically works.
Chicago: So that’s 14. We’re out 1½ mil in this deal.
New Orleans: Why quibble over 1½ mil? What’s 1½ mil among friends? Does your ownership really care that much about 1½ mil?
Chicago: We sold a second for 3½ mil last summer, so, uh, yeah, they do.
New Orleans: But you don’t have to buyout Wade this year. You have plenty of cap space, and no one is signing with you this offseason, because your team is crap. No offense, Bulls, but it’s crap. No one is signing with you.
Chicago: Hey, they might!
New Orleans: They’re not.
Chicago: Sigh.
New Orleans: We’ll give you an extra first. Not like you need it, because Adam Silver will rig the lottery so you guys get the 1st pick again, since he can’t stand to have such a basket case franchise in a big market like Chicago.
Chicago: Yeah, the Rose thing was sweet. Thanks David Stern!
New Orleans: So we’ll give you a first to take Asik off our hands, and you give us Mirotić in return.
Chicago: Hmmm … so if the Warriors were willing to give us $3.5 million for a second in last year’s draft, I wonder how much they’ll be willing to give us for a first?
New Orleans: The sky’s the limit, man. Aim high.
Chicago: Yeah, you know, in spite of all of my instincts telling me that this is a truly awful deal for us, I think we’ll do it.
New Orleans: Sweet! Give me a few minutes while my guys draw up the paperwork. It will give me time to leak the deal to everyone on Twitter and in the NBA media.
Chicago: Okay, but there is a catch.
New Orleans: What’s that?
Chicago: You have to pick up his option.
New Orleans: I do?
Chicago: Yeah, he’s got a team option for next season.
New Orleans: But I don’t want him for next season. I need him out there now, draining threes and winning games and helping put asses in seats in Milk Shake Arena as we track down those OKC pukes for the 5 seed in the West.
Chicago: But he’s got Bird rights, man. He doesn’t lose the Bird rights if he gets traded.
New Orleans: Goddamn CBA.
Chicago: I know. It ruins everything.
New Orleans: And how the fuck does he have a team option for next year in the first place? Did you completely ass up that negotiation, too?
Chicago: Well, you know, negotiations are complicated.
New Orleans: But we need cap space next season. We probably have to max out Boogie and re-sign him, even though his Achilles is presently spaghetti. We don’t know what he’s going to get on the open market, but if he leaves, AD’s not going to be happy, and if AD wants out, and we have to deal him, we may as well trade the whole entire franchise to Seattle, because there is no frickin’ way anyone is going to come to Pels games if AD is wearing Warriors digs or the green in Boston.
Chicago: But wait a minute here, Pels. We just agreed to take an $11 million bad asset off your books in exchange for a $12.5 million guy who can actually play. The money’s the same either way. If you keep Asik, it’s dead money. If it’s Mirotić, it’s a guy who knows what he is doing.
New Orleans: But it’ll be too expensive next season. We can’t have a $12.5 million guy on our books and try to re-sign Boogie. We’ll be in luxury tax hell, and we need to stay out of the tax so we can continue to shamelessly mooch off of all of the revenue sharing money that the NBA provides in order to keep our team afloat in a small market.
Chicago: Well first off, you have no idea what a 7’0” dude with an Achilles injury will get on the market.
New Orleans: What if Cuban floats him a max in Dallas?
Chicago: Yeah, Cuban would do that just to fuck with you, wouldn’t he? But think about it, man. What if you had a weirdass frontcourt next season of AD, Mirotić, and a recovering Boogie? It’d be something weird, something different, it’s be out there. Those guys could interchange, play multiple spots, do all sorts of crazy things. You’ve got two bigs who could shoot while Boogie rehabs. Fuck man, Boogie’s already bringing the ball up for you, since Jrue’s at the two and your one is a frickin’ zombi corpse of an NBA player. You could do all sorts of crazy shit with that lineup. It’d be the sort of unorthodox shit which would mess with everyone.
New Orleans: Yeah but the tax thing, man.
Chicago: The tax thing? Oh come on Pels, your owner is senile and 90 years old, the franchise is one foot out the door, destination Seattle, if AD leaves. You guys need to win now! And I can’t believe I’m trying to pitch this deal to you, since you’re the one who brought it to us, and since this deal SUCKS ASS for us!
New Orleans: I don’t know, man. Money is tight. Have your people call Mirotić’s people, and see if we can re-work that contract somehow.
Chicago: My ‘people’ is me, and Mirotić’s ‘people’ will say ‘you’re an idiot. No deal.’
New Orleans: How do you say that in whatever language he speaks?
Chicago: ти си идиот. I looked that up on the internet as well.
New Orleans: I can’t justify to ownership us being a heavy luxury tax payer next season. We need to get off money for 2018-19.
Chicago: But you’re stuck with Asik if you nix this. How is that getting off money?
New Orleans: Don’t pressure me! I’m feeling sort of sensitive right now.
Chicago: Look, I’m willing to bury the rotting corpse that is Asik’s contract on the end of our bench until the summer of 2019 and give you a guy who can actually play in return. Do we have a deal?
New Orleans: You know, I don’t know. I don’t think so.
Chicago: Fine. Whatever.
New Orleans: How are the kids?
Chicago: Great. You?
New Orleans: Super.
Chicago: Geaux Saints!
New Orleans: Shut up. Expletive, expletive, expletive ...
– – –
We kid because we care. Having went, for the second time, to a New Orleans Pelicans game a few weeks ago, I love me some Pels. They have a fun team, a competitive team, and before Boogie Cousins got hurt, a team that was playing some really, really good basketball.
But Boogie is hurt, quite possibly irretrievably so. The case files on Achilles injuries are not good at all. There is very little precedent for anyone – literally anyone at all – returning to peak ability as an NBA player after suffering this injury. And this completely sucks for Boogie, who was deservedly in line for an enormous pay day this summer. He was playing great, the Pelicans were winning, and it looked like it might actually work out for this tormented franchise.
But now Boogie is out indefinitely, so what do you do next? What you DON’T do is COMPLETELY MESS UP A SLAM DUNK TRADE which will help keep you at an NBA playoff level, while also ridding yourself of a toxic asset.
This is what happens when two of the dumbest franchises in all of professional sports attempt to make a deal. This deal, which nearly came about on Tuesday for the Pelicans, and then fell apart, is an example of why both of these teams aren’t any good. It’s a horrible deal for the Bulls, who get a middling draft pick in exchange for forking over $14 million for a guy who can’t play, thus wasting useful cap space. Not pulling the trigger is even worse for the Pelicans, who are DESPERATE to make the playoffs, and whose very survival as a franchise depends upon convincing Anthony Davis that it’s worth it for him to stick around and see the process through. Davis is so good that he’ll be eligible for one of the NBA’s super max extensions, and will forgo about $75 million if he leaves. But the Pelicans are so messed up that he just might be willing to do that.
Now, the deal isn’t necessarily dead – although, given how all sides have been mocked and pilloried and ridiculed in the aftermath, it likely is – but this sort of stuff is exactly what you don’t want to do if you hope to convince your star player that it’s worth it for him to stick around and be a part of your clownshoes organization. It’s a players game, a star’s game, and anything you do to get crosswise with the star is a really, really bad idea, especially when you’re in a market where stars are hard to come by. It’s why everyone in Milwaukee is treading on egg shells around Giannis after they fired a coach he really respected. It’s why the Kings were so willing so suck up to Boogie for all of those years. Do not make the superstar angry! You can’t screw this stuff up. Your margin for error is too small.
I fear for the Pelicans. I think that franchise is doomed if they lose Anthony Davis. As much as I want an NBA team in Seattle, I don’t like the idea of one being shipped over from New Orleans. But the Pelicans are DUMB. They’re one of the dumbest franchises in all of sports. They’ve made mistake after mistake in terms of coaching, drafting, free agency, and trades. It’s been a complete mess, and it’s gonna cost them big time, in the end. There are plenty of franchises in sports whom I despise and would be willing to put aside my objectivity in order to chortle over their failures. But the New Orleans Pelicans aren’t one of those. I did not enjoy this exercise as much as it may seem. (Though I did have some fun writing this, mostly at the expense of the clueless Bulls.) Now come on Pelicans, stop doing stupid shit, goddamnit!
– – –
UPDATE [1 Feb 2018, 1:00 p.m.]
At some point since I first wrote this, everyone in New Orleans came to their senses and figured out that picking up the option on Mirotić, who can actually play, was a far better outcome than being stuck with Asik, who can't play, for basically the same amount of money next year, and so this trade has now happened. Incredibly, the Birds have also managed to move along Tony Allen, who has been hurt all season, and Jameer Nelson, who looked like he was about 58 years old when I saw New Orleans play Portland a couple of weeks ago. The Bulls agreed to this, and also agreed to give the Pelicans back a 2nd round pick from a previous trade, when the Pels shipped out Quincy Pondexter to Chicago.
Which is dumb by the Bulls. STOP GIVING AWAY EXTRA STUFF! That is the same dumb thing Chicago did last year in the awful Cam Payne trade, when they threw in 2nd round picks for no reason. Knowing their propensity for doing this, this is why Minnesota insisted on the 1st round pick swap in the Butler trade. And we all know, by now, about the dumb selling of a 2nd to Golden State. And here they go solving New Orleans' problems, as the Pelicans just threw in a bunch of stuff neither side wanted, and the Bulls are not getting anything more than one pick out of the deal, and actually giving a pick back. STOP DOING THAT! Chicago needs guys that can actually play. A good way to get them is to, you know, draft them.
I continue to be amused and amazed by all of this. I still do not see how this a good deal for the Bulls. You have the best asset in the deal, you want to get GOOD STUFF in a return, not just stuff. The 1st is good stuff. Asik is not good stuff. Vet minimums you now have to waive is not good stuff. Giving away a 2nd is not good stuff. I don't get it.
