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| photo by James Snook/USA Today |
IT’S ALL fun and games here at In Play Lose – at least, we want it to be that way. We laugh at losing. We laugh at loss. You can come back from a loss. You can recover and regroup. But sometimes, we are reminded of the sorts of losses that cannot be overcome.
Myself and everyone in the extended W.S.U. family were shocked to hear the news from Pullman that 21-year-old Tyler Hilinski, the heir apparent to the starting QB position with the Cougars next season, had taken his own life on Wednesday night. Hilinski was a terrific talent who, in his limited opportunities this past season, had shown incredible promise – leading a rally to a 3OT win over Boise State in one game, throwing for over 500 yards vs. Arizona in another. By all accounts, he was also extremely popular with his teammates and with the media members who cover the W.S.U. program. No one – literally no one – saw this coming. There were no warning signs, there were no red flags about depression or mental illness. Seemingly out of the blue, out of nowhere, a young man with a bright future before him is gone.
This doesn’t have to happen. Ever.
And sure, it may only be when someone elevated in status to something of a celebrity – and being a backup QB on a college football counts as such – that we feel compelled to make this sort of proclamation, but it’s when the afflictions of mental illness and depression come to drastically affect those who seemingly have it all – and thus seemingly have the most to lose – that we actually stop and think about the true extent of the problem. Just last year, two of the talismen of modern music – Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington – committed suicide as well: two people with storied careers, with families, with literally millions of people, all over the planet, who loved them for what they did. If people who seemingly have so much can succumb to the peril of mental illness, then no one is truly immune.
I am a tireless advocate for mental health services, although one of the things I’ve come to realize in the past decade is that I’m not doing enough. I can do more, and I should do more, even if it’s simple as saying, again and again, to anyone who is listening and anyone who can hear, that what happened to Tyler Hilinski doesn’t have to happen to you, or to anyone else. Get help. Don’t be afraid. Get help.
My story is here and I don’t need to recap it, other than to point out that the stigma of mental illness, the shame of mental illness, is far, far greater than most people realize. It takes incredible courage, grace, and humility to come to accept that you have a problem with depression, or some other form of mental illness, and you need to get help. It is seriously the hardest thing you’ll probably ever do. In that moment, all of your past mistakes and failings seemingly magnify, exponentially expanding in importance. You feel like a piece of shit. And all of the sudden, in that moment, the future is completely muddled and confusing, it’s daunting and overwhelming. You don’t know what to do. You don’t know where to go from here.
But life will get better if you get help. I promise you, it will get better. It may take a while, it may take years and you may have to be patient, trusting in a process of living that feels foreign to you, that feels impossible at times. But at the same time, you also take control. You learn about how your mind works and learn how to reshape it. Knowledge is power! And at the time, admitting that you have a problem with depression, with mental illness, with some sort of substance abuse or other addiction, feels like the lowest point in your life and the worst moment in your life, but in fact, you come to realize that the worst moment was the moment right before that, when you weren’t doing anything about it, and that coming to accept that you needed help was, in fact, the best thing you’ve ever done.
I was institutionalized in 2006, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’ve been blessed the past 11 years. Has it all been great? Of course not. A lot of it’s been truly terrible, in fact, but all of it was time that wouldn’t have existed otherwise. Time is precious in this life. It’s everything, really. Life is always about the process, which continues onward and changes. The great landmarks in your life – good or bad – are not ends in themselves. You still go on. I still talk with someone who I met while attending the psychiatric institute 11 years ago. We’ve both had challenges, traumas, and disappointments along the way. But in the end, we are blessed to still be here, to have families and friends and loved ones, to still be able to aspire and dream, to still be able to experience everything life offers. It reminds me, whenever I talk to her, that I should talk more about mental illness – both the terrible ways in which it can effect you and the ways in which you can overcome it. After all, you can’t tell people not to be afraid and talk about it if you’re afraid to talk about it yourself, now can you?
But I’m not afraid to talk about it. I was for my first 37 years on the planet, but not any more. It’s not a shame or a disgrace to be suffering from a mental illness. I’m proud of the fact that so many people in my extended communities have reached out to me in their times of need. People have confided in me, asked me for help, trusted me to be an advocate and a source of both knowledge and wisdom. I take this stuff very seriously. This isn’t fun and games.
Get help. If you’re struggling with depression, get help. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255. Call a mental health professional in your area. They are problem solvers, they will work with you and try to find a solution. It can be difficult and trying at times, because solving mental illness issues is not a catch-all, one-size-fits-all kind of thing, and I know that it’s hard to be patient when you feel like you need help right away. But no one needs to die alone in their apartment with a gunshot wound to the head. This doesn’t have to happen. Ever.
And if someone does reach out to you, saying they need help, listen to them. Practice empathy. Listen and learn from them, love them in any way that you can. Fuck knows, there isn’t enough love and empathy in this world. Give it out, and give it freely. It can truly make a difference in another person’s life.
