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| Yes, this actually happened |
England played well in their first match, a 2:1 loss to Italy in which they were good but the Italians were just a little better. Uruguay, meanwhile, were awful against Costa Rica, losing 3:1 and getting run into the ground by the Ticos. Whereas England showed some verve and positivity while slogging the Manaus morass, Uruguay were exposed as being slow, old, and cynical. This is basically the same team which finished 4th in South Africa in 2010, and unlike the fine Uruguayan wine I had at The Official Wine Bar of In Play Lose, this group hasn’t aged particularly well. So all signs were pointing to an England victory today, with the exception of one slight problem.
England were involved.
The Three Lions controlled the pace v. Uruguay, dominated possession and eventually even managed to set Rooney up for a chance that not even Rooney could miss. And Uruguay, meanwhile, were reduced to fielding basically two full-time players who are any good (though, to give props, flaky Uruguayan keeper Muslera had a good match), one of whom – lethal striker Luis Suárez – isn’t exactly an unknown commodity. He plays for Liverpool, so all of the Three Lions play against him in the EPL. Hell, some of them play with him in the EPL, so they know what kind of player he is. He isn’t the sort of player you should, oh, you know, lose track of on the field.
Which England did. Twice.
It’s not like Suárez did anything brilliant on his two goals, although his header on the first was quite nice. Both times, he mozied down the center of High St. while a tourist masquerading as an England centre back was enjoying the sights of Brazil – the second of which, featured in tonight’s gif, was absolutely ridiculous.
So it’s Uruguay 2:1 England and it’s an utterly inexcusable loss. And I’m sure that this will somehow wind up being Rooney’s fault, given that Fleet St. and English football fans love killing their idols. England always seem to be unable to choose between older players they don’t really like and younger players they don’t think they need. They still have a nonzero chance of qualifying for the second round, although they’re going to need some help. Given how frail Uruguay has looked for the better part of two games, this was a wasted opportunity.
2. The best defense is a good offense ... sometimes ...
Two of the most exciting teams in the tourney so far are Chile and Colombia, both of whom like to press up the pitch. Way up the pitch. Way, way, WAY up the pitch. Chile wants to create chaos and turn every game into a track meet, while Colombia’s front seven is stacked with exciting attacking talent. That aggressive mindset paid big dividends today for Los Cafeteros, as they pounced all over a Côte d’Ivoire mistake in the back to score a second goal. Both of these teams have pragmatic reasons for playing this type of game, however – their backlines are, well, lousy. It didn’t matter against Spain, but Chile’s defensive shortcomings managed to nearly undo all the good they had done v. Australia in their opener. They now face the Dutch who, even without the suspended van Persie, will like their chances with the Chilean backs somehow trying to track down Robben. As for Colombia, their response to taking a 2-goal lead v. the Elephants was to promptly let Gervinho waltz through the defense unabated and cut the margin in half. From then on, Los Cafeteros seemed to think the best way to protect a slim lead was to have five guys pressed 80 yards up the pitch. Some more coherent work from the Côte d’Ivoire up front would’ve properly punished Colombia for their sloppy work. I’m all for attacking, and these teams are really great to watch, but you have to be able to get some stops if you want to go deep in this tournament. Just play a little defense here and there. Not much. Just a little.
3. The Elephants in the room
I said above the Elephants needed more coherent play. I think a better choice of words would be more selfless play. That team played today like a bunch of guys who don’t like each other. Lots of very selfish play, particularly in the last third and especially after they’d fallen behind. No one wanted to make that extra pass or extra run, when it was obvious from the lax Colombian defense that plenty of space was available. The Elephants will still likely advance, given that they play Greece next, who are godfuckingterrible, but this continues to get in their own collective way and prevent the sorts of results they should be attaining. It’s no big deal if guys don’t like each other on a team. Quite honestly, it’s pretty normal. (Read this article to get a better picture.) So get over it and play some football. Win the damn game and hate each other later. You can blame the guys you don’t like for the losses, but in the end, you still lose right along with them.
4. Sinking in the East
There has been talk in recent years, off and on, of expanding the World Cup to 40 teams. One of the beneficiaries of this would be Africa, which I’m in favour of, since I think the quality is there if only they can get past all of the politics. The other big beneficiary, in terms of gaining more places in the tournament, would be Asia, but if the performances in this tourney are indicative of the quality of play in the AFC, they may merit fewer places instead of more. The three worst games of this tournament all involved Asian sides, the last of which was today when Japan drew 0:0 with 10-man Greece and pretty much couldn’t hit the ocean from a boat. Iran seemed to think that you should have 10 men behind the ball even when you have the ball, and I have no idea what South Korea was trying to accomplish. To be fair to those three teams, all three of those horrible matches ended in draws, and 1 > 0, but never once did you think any of those three teams were capable of winning. The only AFC team to show anything in this tourney has been Australia – who are already going home. FIFA’s worldwide initiatives to grow the game have worked in CONCACAF and in Africa, and Asian sides developed well in the aftermath of S. Korea/Japan 2002, but now they seem to be horribly regressing.
