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| Hmm, I should probably get a new one of these ... |
SPORTING Nirvana arrives tomorrow for The Lose. I’ll probably be posting frequently here, if not every day, because I love the World Cup and think it’s the best. This is the greatest athletic competition on earth. This is great sport, great drama, great theatre, great pageantry, the ramifications of which often transcend the sport itself. World Cup results have sent people jumping off buildings, have brought down governments – but also, occasionally, bring a little harmony and joy as well.
I already wrote my short-attention span preview the other day, which a few sort of off-the-cuff predictions based entirely on my hopes of winning some money in Vegas on this tournament. Now that I’ve actually put some thought into it, and done some research, I’m prepared to be even more catastrophically incorrect in my pre-tourney assessments. The Lose isn’t afraid of being both absurdly wrong and also being right with the frequency of a broken clock. It’s time for the In Play Lose World Cup predictions – 32 guaranteed, sure fire, certain to be right except when they are not predictions about the event. Take this to the bank, but don’t cash the cheque because it’s no damn good, and remember kids, gambling is a sin. Also, if the teams involved here do some of the things I predict they’ll do, you can bet that I’ll be writing about it.
1. The worst game of the tournament is very likely to also be the first one.
2. The first goalless draw of this tournament will be Sweden vs. South Korea.
3. The game during which I’ll likely fall asleep is Serbia vs. Switzerland. (I say this knowing full well that the Saturday quadruple header starts at 3:00 a.m. here on the West Coast, but I will be there for it. We don’t care about no stinkin’ time zones.)
4. The biggest blowout will be Belgium v. Panama.
5. At least one team in this tournament will lose a match because of some awful VAR decision.
6. At least two coaches will be fired before the group stage is even over. Hell, considering Spain fired one before it even started, that number may be even higher.
7. All five Asian teams are going to be bad.
8. Japan is the team most likely to take no points at all while scoring no goals at all.
9. Unlike in 2014, where the African teams generally played quite poorly, four of the five African teams will play well in this tournament. At least one will advance from the group. My guess is Senegal. If Mo Salah plays for Egypt, it could very easily be two.
10. England will be fun. Yes, I’m stunned to admit this.
11. That said, the full-on national crisis will envelop England about the time they win 1-0 over Tunisia on some lucky 86th minute goal that ricochets off a rock and past the Tunisian keeper.
12. My Group A storyline will be just how bad it is and how easy it is for Uruguay.
13. My Group B storyline is that Portugal will put themselves in some sort of peril of not advancing, and slither their way off the hook somehow.
14. My Group C storyline is that the French will have one game where they win 6-1 or something to tease and tantalize us, and then the rest of the time we’ll be wondering what’s wrong with them.
15. My Group D storyline will be that Argentina v. Croatia is the kind of game where the better team wins, and people will say, in retrospect, “yeah, I actually thought Croatia might be the better team going into it, but I didn’t want to admit it.”
16. My Group E storylines are that Brazil is gonna run all over people and it’ll be awesome, and am I crazy to like Costa Rica’s chances to get out here? I’m liking that more and more.
17. My Group F storyline is that Sweden will make Germany look bad, because they generally make everyone look bad, but still lose and we’ll wonder what’s wrong with the Germans after such a droll performance. (Hint: nothing.)
18. My Group G storyline is that Belgium and England are are both likely to be on 6 points after two games and it wouldn’t shock me if one of these teams looks at the bracket, tries to get a feel for whether they’d rather play Brazil or Germany in the Quarters, and basically throws a shoe in order to try and get a better draw. As such, I could see one of those teams winning 3-1 or something and messing up everyone’s impressions of the two teams.
19. My Group H storyline is that James is going to remind all of us that, contrary to his play for his clubs over the past four years, he’s really good at football.
20. Another guy in this tournament who I think might break out and remind people he’s really good at football is Kelechi Iheanacho of Nigeria.
21. At least one of these groups will completely go to shit, because it always happens that way. One of them goes mental and weird stuff happens. (Think Costa Rica winning their group in 2014.) It always happens, but it’s also impossible to figure out which one it will be.
22. Regardless of results, Iceland will have more fun than anyone else.
23. My sleeper team is Peru. I love me some Peru. Peru will make the 16s and will be a pain in the ass to eliminate.
24. The biggest bust of this tournament is an obvious one. I’ve been betting on Argentina to fail in the World Cup for almost 30 years now and it’s paid off handsomely. I’m not about to stop now. This team is going nowhere.
25. Mexico will be the best team with nothing to show for it because they’ll play really well against Germany, and again vs. Brazil in the 16s, and lose both games close.
26. The “what in the hell are they doing playing in the 16s?” game will be France v. Argentina.
27. England will outplay Germany in the Quarters and lose on penalties.
28. Belgium v. Brazil in the Quarters will be the game of the tournament.
29. France and Germany will reach the semis, with the former feeling like they blew it (which they almost certainly will have), and the latter being frustrated and getting tormented yet again by Spain keeping the ball for 70 minutes.
30. Romelu Lukaku of Belgium will be the top scorer. He may be the top scorer simply based on how many he puts past Panama.
31. Belgium will finish second. I know that I said that four years ago, but I really mean it this time.
32. Spain will win the World Cup, because who really needs a coach, anyway?
